Chocolate and Ashes
by BeatriceMyDarlin
Summary: Beginning shortly before Remus' 7th year, the teenage Werewolf must handle the fallout of the events that ended his 6th year. Remus isolated himself from his friends for the entire summer, putting immense strain on all their relationships. A guilty Remus tries to forgive and forget, as they say, but he's struggling. RL/SB JP/LE no bashing, probably no smut, Werewolf shenanigans.


_"Bored for want of pain;_

 _not enough demons in your dreams?_

 _Invent some."_

 _— Lance Rund_

* * *

 _Lupin, Remus John,_

 _Somewhere,_

 _August 23rd, 1976_

 _Dear Moony,_

 _I don't know what to write anymore, Remus._

 _Lily's started writing me to ask if I've gotten anything from you. She's worried sick about you — she has to be, if she's owling me._

 _I get it._

 _You have the right to put us through hell with what you've been through and what we did. Don't take it out on Lily. From what I gather, she's going through enough on her own without one of her closest friends abandoning her._

 _Please. Please._

 _I know that you got our other letters. If there's one thing you take out of this, just write Lily back._

 _For her sake._

 _The rest of us can cope until the start of the term. I really hope you're coming back this year. Even if you don't want to be around us anymore, don't let us push you out of Hogwarts. You're the most brilliant bloke I know._

 _And, if it matters, Dumbledore sent me a letter. I'm going to be Head Boy._

 _Your Faithful Friend,_

 _James Potter_

 _5 Manor Drive, Guildford, Surrey, Great Britain_

* * *

Remus eyed the letter briefly before adding it to the ever-growing disheveled pile of parchment on his desk. He sat back in his chair, and in sequence, he: threw back his head; closed his eyes; exhaled deeply; and stared up at the low wooden ceiling. He wished that he was somewhere else: a different time or place, where he could lose himself in an interesting environment.

He wasn't being fair to the simple one-room cabin. It'd served him well over the past month or so; it was warm, dry, had a bed, a comfortable chair, and a desk. If he'd wanted anything else for the cabin — within reason — he could've asked, and had it within a few days.

The prospect of returning to a cozy, safe cabin every night had seemed enticing in the beginning. After hours of prowling the forest and helping out in the village each day, Remus wanted nothing more than to collapse onto the mostly-soft mattress and dive into a good book; and that was exactly what he was able to do for the first few days.

Until the first letter arrived.

Remus opened his eyes. He shuffled painfully through the stack of letters, laying eight of them out over his desk, leaving the rest of them in their place. His hands moved with a precise efficiency, as if acid or silver would bite at his hands if he handled them too long. He watched the selected letters evenly. They couldn't move on their own.

After another heavy breath, Remus reached out for the third letter in the chronology.

* * *

 _Lupin, Remus John,_

 _18 Junction Lane, Wickham, Hampshire, Great Britain_

 _July 7th, 1976_

 _Remus,_

 _I'm the bloodiest fucking idiot in the world. I'm the worst friend you could've ever made. I don't even deserve to be called your friend anymore for what I did._

 _I know I told you I was sorry more times than you can count. I'm going to keep saying I'm sorry until the day I die. I'm going to keep saying sorry, even though I'm never going to forgive myself for betraying my closest friend. I'm never going to forget the biggest mistake I've ever made._

 _You were there for me when I finally stood up to my old mother and father. I remember. It was right after a full, a full that you had to do alone, but you treated me like I was the one who was really hurting. You, James, and Peter kept me alive. I would've destroyed myself without you lot putting me back together. You're one of the only bright things in my life, Remus, and I did something that I can't take back._

 _I'm so fucking angry at myself._

 _I'm so fucking angry at the world._

 _I wish you were angry at me. I kept wishing that you'd scream at me, curse me, beat the shit out of me, because then I'd know how you feel. You'd know how I feel all the time._

 _Me and my fucking temper. I ruined the only thing I cared about in the whole fucking world because I couldn't keep my motherfucking emotions under control._

 _I'd give anything to go back and change it. I'd kill the everyone in the entire bloody world and myself if you asked me to, Remus._

 _It plays over and over and over and fucking over again in my head. I want to die when I think about it._

 _I think the worst part is that I thought I was being funny. I was so angry that I made you worth nothing more than some fucking sick punchline. I didn't even think about it. I didn't think about how I was throwing your future away. All I wanted was to get back at Snape. I can't forgive myself, because I didn't think that my fucking 'prank' was an issue until I told Peter._

 _If he hadn't run to James, I don't know what I would've done._

 _There's so much more that I ruined for you._

 _That's why I can't forgive myself. That's why I know you can't forgive me._

 _I miss you._

 _Sirius_

 _5 Manor Drive, Guildford, Surrey, Great Britain_

* * *

Remus carefully placed Sirius' letter in its proper place. He craned his neck to look about the small room. With nonchalance, he flicked his wand, bringing a slightly-cooled mug of tea to his hand. He gingerly sipped once. Twice. He blinked his eyes three times. Exhaled.

Setting the mug down with one hand, Remus grabbed at the fifth letter with the other.

* * *

 _Lupin, Remus John,_

 _18 Junction Lane, Wickham, Hampshire, Great Britain_

 _August 4th, 1976_

 _Dear Moony,_

 _Everybody's worried about you. You haven't been answering any of our letters. We're not even sure if you're getting them, because we went to your house and you weren't there. You don't owe us anything, but if you're getting this, please let us know you're alright. We can set you up with a place to stay if you can't keep the house. Or if you don't want to._

 _Padfoot told me about the letter he sent you. He isn't sleeping. It's been bad since everything happened, but it's getting worse. I know I shouldn't be guilt-tripping you. I don't have the right. But I want you to know how bad it's tearing him apart._

 _He'll wander the house for hours without saying a word. He'll go outside and vanish for hours, then come back and keep on walking around doing nothing. Wormtail and I take turns watching him, now, because we're scared he'll have a full meltdown in the middle of the night. Peter says he'll stand still or sit up in bed for hours, staring at nothing. I believe him._

 _He passes out eventually, and after that, he's fine for a few days. Pete and I don't know what to do. St. Mungo's is out of the question. Getting him to talk to us about anything was hard before. Now it's impossible. I told him he should owl you again so he could talk about his feelings to someone. He said that he's sent you more than ten letters, and he's run out of ways to say everything differently._

 _We never should've left you for a full. Not with what happened last time. I know you don't want to talk about it, but, hey, I don't know if you'll ever read this. I know you don't want another apology, so I won't give you one._

 _Everything's so fucked up._

 _Your Concerned Friends,_

 _Prongs, Padfoot, and Wormtail_

 _5 Manor Drive, Guildford, Surrey, Great Britain_

* * *

Sip. Swallow. Wince. Sip. Swallow. Wince.

Remus replaced the letter. He rubbed his face and stared at the wall; anywhere was better than the desk. He sipped again. Swallowed. No wince.

A few deep breaths later, Remus dove back in. The seventh letter awaited him.

* * *

 _Lupin, Remus_

 _18 Junction Lane, Wickham, Hampshire, Great Britain_

 _August 17th, 1976_

 _Dear Remus_

 _Hey Remus. James and Sirius kept sending you loads of letters, so I didn't want to send you one and harass you more. I owled Dumbledore when they were panicking, and he said that you should be getting your mail. I hope he's telling the truth, because I don't want to find out that you're dead, too._

 _Some muggles were taking all of the stuff out of your house and putting it into one of the truck things. I guess you couldn't keep the house. James and Sirius have the money to help you keep it, but I guess you didn't want that either. Anyway, if you don't have a house, maybe you don't have the Prophet, either._

 _I'm scared, Remus. Everything's getting bad. Not just us, either, everyone's got it bad. I can't remember if you knew Amelia Bones or not, because she might've had potions or something else with us, but she might've just been in a class with me and not you. Death Eaters burned her home down and trapped them inside while it happened. They're saying that they're all dead._

 _James is really upset because apparently Lily's parents are both really sick. He says she wanted to take them to St. Mungo's, but her sister took them to a muggle hospital and told the staff she was crazy. He says she can't visit them or see them. He says that it's not looking good._

 _Maybe you should write her. You can tell her what to do, because you're good at telling people what to do to make things better. If you're not feeling up to it, maybe you could write me back and tell me how to tell them if you're not ready. It's not like planning a prank. I'm good at that. I just don't know how to fix everything because it's all way too big._

 _Sirius fixed himself, I think. He dragged a muggle bike thing into the house a couple days ago. He spends a lot of time in a room with it, but he's eating and sleeping okay now. I wish I had his appetite. James said I've been losing weight, and that he was proud of me, but he was using that jokey tone and with everything going on I can't really tell what he meant._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Peter_

 _16 Castle Way, Stamford, Lincolnshire, Great Britain_

* * *

Remus stretched, blank-faced, leaning to place his now-empty mug on his bedside table. His ears flicked involuntarily: crickets were chirping outside. He stood up from his chair and took a half-step away from the desk, just to pop out for a breath or two of fresh air — and then paused mid-stride.

The quiet voice of reason in his head told him to sit back down and read the four damn remaining letters over again. To write _something_ back to them, to Lily at the least, because he had no reason not to.

Remus listened. He deflated back into his seat and grabbed the sixth letter: Lily's.

* * *

 _Lupin, Remus_

 _18 Junction Lane, Wickham, Hampshire, Great Britain_

 _August 9th, 1976_

 _Remus,_

 _I think I made a terrible mistake. A horrible, bad, really, really bad mistake. I pulled some strings at St. Mungo's and got my parent's taken there because it became 'a possibility' that their illness was related to magic in some way. I figured that they'd be diagnosed with some non-magical malady, be cured, and then be on their way in a night._

 _It's not magical, but they can't cure it. They've been trying everything they know, but nothing's worked so far. We're not out of options yet, but we're getting close. I still have hope._

 _Petunia is seeing red. She thinks that I'm killing them by having them there. She thinks that someone is poisoning them or spelling them to keep them ill. She's furious with me and she wants them taken back to a 'proper' medical establishment._

 _I think I'm going to lose her forever, Remus._

 _She blames me for them being so stressed out before they fell ill. She wanted me to decline their invitation to the wedding so that our parents wouldn't get mad at her. She was afraid of us being evil wizards, or bringing Death Eaters, or just being followed by Death Eaters. I was so stuck in my own head and life that I refused._

 _For some reason, I thought that she would just give up and let me come. Instead, she and our parents had a huge row. She hated me even more after that. She thinks that the stress took all the fight out of them, and that's why they're sick. I think she might be right._

 _She doesn't understand why magic can't just fix them. She thinks that I'm holding out, or that everyone else is holding out on me. She doesn't understand why this is happening to her, or my parents, and neither do I._

 _I can't help wondering if maybe a regular doctor could help them in a way we can't. I know you can't answer that question, Remus, but I needed someone to talk to. Can we meet somewhere, soon? I'm rambling and can hardly remember anything I've written._

 _I hate Petunia so much for what she does, but I still can't stand the thought of losing her. I feel like I'm going mad, Remus._

 _Lily Evans_

 _2, Spinner's End, Cokeworth, Great Britain_

* * *

Selfish. He'd told himself he didn't know the right words, and it was true. He'd escaped away to a boring cabin, a wild forest, and a secret village for months, because he'd had his own demons to deal with. But he'd been selfish; it was in his nature to try and help others, even when he couldn't bear the weight of his own world, even when they might not deserve it.

Three more.

Remus reached for the first letter.

* * *

 _Lupin, Remus John_

 _Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

 _June 13th, 1976_

 _Mr. Lupin,_

 _It is the Ministry's obligation to inform you that sixteen minutes past nine o'clock this morning, Aurors apparated to 18 Junction Lane, Wickham, Hampshire, after reports of that a Dark Mark had been seen in the area. The structure on the property had suffered great damage, and, inside the wreckage, our operatives discovered Lyall and Hope Lupin, both unconscious. They are currently at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries in critical condition._

 _While records show that you are currently not of age, you are the only living relative of Lyall and Hope Lupin; as a result, you retain full control over their medical treatment. For this reason, it is advisable that you arrive at St. Mungo's in a timely manner._

 _The majority of the destruction of the property itself has been reversed; if you require additional services from the Ministry with reference to your property, please do not hesitate to contact us. If you require assistance, or are otherwise unable to transport yourself to St. Mungo's or the Ministry, please contact us and arrangements can be made._

 _Rufus Scrimgeour_

 _Auror Office, Ministry of Magic_

* * *

No stopping. Two more.

Remus picked up the second letter.

* * *

 _Lupin, Remus John_

 _Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

 _June 15th, 1976_

 _Mr. Lupin,_

 _We regret to inform you that fifteen minutes before four o'clock this afternoon, Lyall Lupin succumbed to his injuries sustained two days prior despite the best efforts St. Mungo's staff. Eighteen minutes later, Hope Lupin succumbed in similar fashion._

 _You have our sincerest condolences, Mr. Lupin. As you have been unable to respond to our letter or visit in person, we will be sending a representative to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to guide you through the processes following the death of Lyall and Hope Lupin._

 _If you require additional information or services from the Ministry, please do not hesitate to contact us._

 _Rufus Scrimgeour_

* * *

Remus made a neat pile from the seven read letters. Expressionless, he lifted the fourth letter from the table. Blindly reaching out for the bedside table, he managed to knock over his empty tea mug.

* * *

 _Lupin, Remus John_

 _July 30th_

 _Dear Remus_

 _I do hope your stay has been enjoyable so far. I imagine that the wounds are still fresh for you, so I will not pry; but I must express the sorrow I felt when I became aware of your circumstances this June. I can only hope that the time away in a safe, secure location has brought you solace and time to reflect._

 _The Den Mothers were most kind when they allowed you to stay with them this summer, and I expect that you've been showing them the utmost respect. I implore you to make the most of your time here, as this is very much an opportunity that many wish they had. Should you have already accomplished what I have asked you to do, then I encourage you to enjoy the rest of your summer holiday._

 _If not, then please do consider the limited time that you have remaining. It is imperative that you follow my instructions, as well as those of the Den Mothers, as a second opportunity will not be available until the following year. In such ephemeral times, it would be wise to seize what one currently has, else lose it forever. It is entirely possible that the Den Mothers will not be open to another visit this following year. Please do make haste, Remus._

 _I expect you will reply in your own time. Simply pass your letter onto one of the Den Mothers, and I should receive your response in a few days. If I do not reply immediately, do not be distraught; I find myself with less and less free time with each passing day._

 _Best Regards,_

 _Albus Dumbledore_

 _Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

* * *

Remus stood suddenly and made for the door. Swinging it open, he doubled over, dry-heaving, panting, sweating uncontrollably — the same response he had to reading the letters through each time. One hand on the inside of the frame, one on the outside, he held onto the doorway for dear life.

The drone of the crickets made it impossible to tell how much time had passed. Remus leaned his weight on the doorway, and, minute by minute, rose to his feet. He straightened his back and controlled his breathing.

Every instinct he had told him to run into the forest, to forget about the letters for a few hours. He could come back, lay in bed, read a good book, and forget about them until tomorrow.

Remus slammed the cabin door — followed almost instantly by a murmured apology.

He wasn't being fair to the cabin.

He wasn't being fair to anyone.

At a snail's pace, he crept towards the desk. He tensed up with every pace forward. His unblinking eyes watched the stack of letters with an intensity that landed somewhere between a bomb-disposal officer and a mother watching her child play.

The scraping sound of the chair legs against the floor were panicked screams in Remus' ears, but still, he persisted. He set out a blank length of parchment. The quiet _skritching_ of his quill was oddly soothing.

Minutes later, he stared down glumly at his lame work. He'd cheated — they'd probably prefer if he'd done nothing at all. Crumpling up the parchment or burning it would be so easy.

Remus pushed out his chair, carefully rolled up the letter — _his_ letter — and tied it up with a bit of string. He calmly strode out the door.

A few seconds later, he backed up into the cabin. He flicked his wand. Shards of porcelain floated back together until a re-formed mug sat on Remus' bedside table. He gave the mug a slight nod before departing once more.

* * *

 _Evans, Lily,_

 _Even Though I Don't Deserve Her As A Friend,_

 _2, Spinner's End, Cokeworth, Great Britain_

 _August 25th, 1976_

 _Dear Lily,_

 _I'm the worst friend. I don't even deserve to be called your friend anymore._

 _I, too, was stuck in my head for a lot of the summer. I had some things I needed to do. I'll be back at the start of the term, and if we both haven't lost our minds by then, I promise the first thing I'll do is help you figure out what to do about your parents and sister._

 _Even though it wasn't really your intent, Lily, you've no idea how glad I am you wrote me. You have this uncanny way of helping people, even when they don't expect or deserve it. I'm sure that if there's one person who can make the best of the worst, it's you, Lily._

 _Cheers,_

 _Remus_

 _Somewhere Not Inside His Head_


End file.
